::alio!::

retrospective reappearance

I had this wacky dream last night where I had to move back to the base in Victoria but everything had changed, and Cait was living next door to me, but only for the next six months, and I had to figure out how to move back to Ottawa so I could continue my MA.

Anyway . . .

So, last year, putty and magpie were being mean to me and I couldn't post my New Year's post. I sent it by email instead. But I figure, before I write a new New Year's post, I should prolly go over the old one a bit. Because I remember it was rather a shocker when it came out. So here it is.

NEW YEAR'S RETROSPECTIVE, 2004:

It has been a rough year, and I am more than happy that it's over, although I can't say that it will be an easy one to forget.

It seemed like every month contained some new crisis. In January, my mother got really sick, and we discovered some whole new symptoms of multiple sclerosis that are as mysterious as they are frightening. February heralded the beginning of the Caitlin-Petri fiasco, which has only recently quieted down. March and April were simply a blur, as I went from airport to airport and essay to essay, exam to exam. Things at work were becoming more stressful, and Jen and I were close to breaking point. In May, I went slightly mad and threw out fully half of my possessions, with dire consequences. June involved the highly stressful office move, which made me want to quit my job more than ever. At the end of the month, I received news that a high school friend, Genny MacKinnon, had committed suicide due to depression. My boss' callous reaction to my shock caused in my such unspeakable rage that I prepared then to quit my job, regardless of the consequences. Uncertainties about the future and the general state of paranoia that I seem to carry with me everywhere, coupled with my chronic insomnia, led to panic attacks, and Genny's death was merely the catalyst for the clinical depression with which I was diagnosed in July. Mindful of what had happened to Genny, I refused pharmaceutical aid, preferring instead to fight my way out of it on my own. So that's what I did. I thought I had really made progress when September rolled around and I was enrolled in hockey school, but the sudden death of my friend and mentor, Charles Gordon, in October, took the wind out of my sails. That, combined with further pressing anxiety over my immediate future, threatened to drive me back into the darkness from which I had so recently returned.

So it has not been an easy year. I apologize, friends, for not telling you some of these things earlier. At the time, they seemed pitifully insignificant in comparison to the chaotic world in which we live today. It wasn't really something I was able to articulate at the time, anyway, and, besides, we all had more important things to worry about.

These past few months, however, have been good. Really good. If anything, my life is more complicated than it ever was before. My immediate future is so vague as to be entirely opaque to me. Those of you who have lived with me through the triumphs and disappointments of my academic ideations will understand that.

But I feel grounded now. Connected and interconnected. I've made some fabulous new friends this school year, and have been able to appreciate the changes that have occurred in existing relationships. And amazing things have happened to me -- one thing in particular -- which have made me into a more relaxed, confident, and generally happier person.

So thank you for being there this year. Even if you didn't know it, you still made a difference.

My New Year's Resolution list has barely changed over the years. It usually has something about exercise, another thing about doing homework on time, and another about writing. The exercise thing I have conquered. In the midst of me losing my mind, I lost about fifteen pounds as well, and went down two dress sizes. The homework bit I can worry about later. My current methods, however unorthodox, haven't yet failed me. The writing resolution is a tough one, however. I never really take the time to just write anymore. I have a book filled with short stories, mainly just key ideas, but some are fully fleshed out plots to children's books and adult novels. Back in the day when I was less busy, I actually wrote one of these kid's books, and penned one of these novellas. Both need substantial tweaking before they are ready for publication, but I'm still toying with the ideas. I just don't have the time to do any of it! This hardship would be easier to bear if writing wasn't such a compulsion for me (hence this massive essay, my webpage, and my multitudinous diaries). But the stories are there, waiting for me, when I get the time to sit down with them.

So I propose to make a change to my Resolution list this year. It will be a list of one, and it will say: "APPRECIATE." Appreciate everything I have been given in my life, and appreciate every quality thereof. I vow to take the time to do just that. Like right now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Stay tuned tomorrow for New Year's Retrospective, 2005.

party plans

All alone in a freezing office on the last business day of 2005 . . .

What are my New Year's Resolutions this year? Well, they're kind of contradictory. My resolution from last year worked out super-well, so I'm going to keep that one, but I've got two more.

One is to save money. I've been doing pretty well, but I need to do more. I'm going to need it in the coming year. The good news is that I paid off my VISA bill yesterday (it was four digits) and I'm now going into the New Year not only debt-free, but with money to spend.

The second is to wear less dark clothing. All I wear, for the most part, are variations of black, blue, and red. I have all sorts of pretty accessories but no light coloured clothes with which to wear them. So I need to buy some new clothes.

So that's kind of contradictory.

And, of course, I will be following up with my annual New Year's Retrospective. I think perhaps that tomorrow I might re-cap last year's in order to get myself in gear for this year's. And last year's was a doozy, if you all remember.

Other than that, I got not much else . . .

With respect to New Year's, though, with things falling through one way or another, I was thinking of having a select group of y'alls over for pizza, movies, and board games. Drink if you want to, don't if you don't. It's casual. Bring five bucks for pizza and soft drinks and the rest is up to you. New Year's is all about seeing people and spending time with friends. I think movies and games, although perhaps slightly more tame than events in the past, is a good way to do it. Thoughts? Lemme know.

returning to regularly scheduled programming

The good news is I am, as of today, sufficiently recovered enough that, even though I still have an annoying tendency to cough myself awake at all hours of the night, I have so far not had an extreme, burst-the-blood-vessels-in-my-face kind of coughing fit. So maybe now my skin will recover and I'll lose this nasty mottled look I've been sporting for the past two weeks.

The bad news is, I'm back at work as of today. Alas. My desk is awash in papers and nonsense. Wayner likes to use my cubicle when he's here by himself, but the man doesn' clean up after himself, so, two handfuls of discarded staples later, I can now start on the work he's left for me.

I had a meeting this afternoon at Woody's with George, a social psychologist with whom I'm going to be doing a tutorial on fandom and crowd actions. Very interesting. He's keen on my topic and the idea behind my thesis, but he cast some doubt on my choice of the Senators for field research. He raised some interesting points, too, so I'll have to do some more thinking. Problem is, I'm really stubborn, so I might just go ahead and do my own thing out of spite. INteresting . . .

As far as school goes, I seem to be on schedule. After working out this tutorial thing this afternoon, I have to set up only one more, and do the readings and responses for this seminar I start next week. Then I'm set. I'm pleased to say that I have already completed the first draft of my Ethics Proposal. It took me all of forty-five minutes. Lots of cutting and pasting from last year. Weehoo. Of course, it's even more impressive in that my brain has felt like that frying pan egg on drugs for the past ten days. Yay me.

As for the holidays, mine, save for New Year's, are officially over. I started work today, and I start school again on Tuesday -- although, come to think of it, I don't have class until Thursday, so there's a bonus. The holidays themselves were relatively painless, although it might be that the cold drugs kept me insulated. I wish I had slept more, but I've seen ALMOST everyone that I needed to see. The rest I hope to see this weekend -- although with New Year's plans up in the air, this might be tricky. Too bad the holidays are so short. It's not the presents I enjoy (although I got a RIDICULOUSLY good haul this year -- courtesy of my brothers and boyfriend), but the TIME OFF. I just wish I had more of it. Ah well. I suppose I can sleep when I'm dead.

running the gauntlet

Motherpussbucket but do I have a bad cold! It was pure misery to drive for ten hours with my head and neck in agony and then to drive ten hours with my head stuffed with cotton. And now it feels like I've swallowed sand, so I'm constantly choking on my own throat.

Mmmm, phlegm . . .

My first hockey game in three weeks tonight. Missed it two weeks ago because I was that the Neilsen party, and then I missed it last week because I'm an idiot. So this should be fun. Now my skates are sharpened.

My brothers and I have spent much of today in the living room, which is impassable due to presents. I mean honestly. I guess my family has rebelled against our Scottishness and we usually go for quantity. Like you can't get into the other rooms kind of quantity. And every year it gets worse. This year is the worst yet, I think, because many of the presents are rather large, and so their boxes take up a good four to six cubic feet each. It makes for an interesting obstacle course. You can speculate on what's inside each one as you run the gauntlet from the kitchen to the dining room.

Luckily, all my presents have been pretty small -- at least the ones I know about and have already received. Cait got me hockey tickets. Andrew got me hockey tickets. Andy got me -- you guessed it -- hockey tickets. I have six games to attend between now and April -- and I'm sure that I will go to some more as time progresses. Lisa's dad has suggested that I join him at a few games, which I think will be a hoot, because we argue all the time. It will be a short Indian man and a tall white girl in a jersey getting drunk and yelling. Good times. I'm really looking forward to it. Not to mention that I sometimes get some discounts on certain games, owing to the fact that I've been a registered Sens fan for several years now.

What else . . .?

Not much, actually. As soon as Christmas is over (i.e. Boxing Day), I'm back on the homework kick, getting a hella lot of readings done, buying textbooks, and organizing my Ethics Proposal. So I can't complain that I have nothing to do. 'Cept there's no way in hell I'm starting it before Christmas, so I've been wandering around today, kind of at a loss, because for the first time in a long time, I had nothing to do. So I went out. It was funnnnn.

Hockey now.

road trip

MICHIGAN AND ANN ARBOR HO!

See you Friday.

mechanicsville

Ah, nothing like the sound of screaming children coming from the Trauma Therapist next door . . .

The characters in this building are truly remarkable. Our building manager's a surly nutjob, who signed a prenup with his new wife that she was allowed a minimum of six SPA DAYS a year. Yeah.

But today I'm going to talk to you about Mike the Mechanic. His name is probably something like Greg, but Mike works better with Mechanic. This man is really, really cute, but the weirdest and most random person we've ever met. We're not even sure exactly what it is he does. He can spend an hour on a ladder poking around in our ceiling tiles and not accomplish anything. And while he's up there, he will determinedly start all manner of peculiar and personal conversations. Odd man. He also has a habit of breezing into the office just to point some weird laser thingy around (which apparently measures temperature) say, "yup," a whole bunch of times, and then breeze out.

Today, Sheri and I were just heading out for coffee, and we were in the process of locking our door. We were speculating on the physical appearance of one of our clients, whom we've never seen. I said, "she's gotta be really hot. Otherwise her ex-husband wouldn't have duped her into giving him sexual favours in order to have access to her children." At that moment, Mike the Mechanic bursts out of the office next door and laughs at us. We were laughing too, and it took us some seconds to get to the elevator, which he was holding open for us. We then had to ride down in the elevator with him. And, although I wasn't the least bit embarrassed, I was, of course, blushing. Yay me. But it was so funny. I guess you really had to be there.

mission accomplished!

Hiya!

So . . . how ya been?

Finished my last paper the other day. It was brilliance. Handed it in, and had an easy time convincing Karen to be on my committee and to do a tutorial with me. So that was fun. I like Karen. I also used a spot of brilliance I had hiding up my ass to convince two leading sociologists to team up to teach me a tutorial on crowd action. I've decided to learn something about fan behaviour. The only problem is that I have to meet with one of them during the holidays, on the 29th of December.

And, of course, I still have to get my Ethics Proposal ready. Although, on the plus side, Brian said I didn't have to do a Research Proposal, because Ethics and Research are essentially the same document, and he didn't want me to waste my time creating two of them, so the Ethics Proposal can stand as my Research Proposal -- which means I don't have to do a literature review -- which is a big relief, because I've already done about three of them for this degree, and I didn't see the point in doing another one.

So I'm not really going to have all that much of a holiday, what with school and with travelling down to Ann Arbor to fetch the Boy. But whatevs. Three people I idolize for their brains told me I was "brilliant," "exceptional," and had "true intellectual passion," which "makes for superb scholarship," respectively.

:D

So that's my story.

And, despite me not having any time to do Christmas shopping, I appear to now only have three people left on my list -- which was up in the teens before. Good on me.

If you don't hear from me before then, have a great weekend.

school makes me throw up a little

These essays in grad school are tricky.

Not only do you have to contend with part-time jobs, teaching, marking papers, and attending class and meetings, which take up the majority of the time you don't spend sleeping,

but

you also have to be able to come up with original arguments for your papers.

I'm on my last essay now, and it's especially tricky, because I totally pulled this comparison out of my ass, and now I have to prove it. I'm going to actually do the proving some time later in another paper, but until now I have to explain myself for one small section of it. And that's hard. I can find plenty of information about one thing, and plenty about another thing, and another thing. So that's not a problem. It's the linking of them together in some manner of sensical form that's the sketchy part. And I have to do it well, otherwise I'll get laughed at.

Hmmmm . . . .

pleased ta meetcha

Havlat went with the surgery. Good for him, taking care of himself.

Just got out of a meeting (my first of three today) with this guy that I wanted to set up a tutorial with for next semester, on the sociology of emotions. Problem is that he was only interested in the theory, while I'm interested in the experiential aspect. So we agreed to think it over and talk again next week. In the meantime, I'm trying to set up another tutorial on collective behaviour with this other guy. Cross your fingers.

Today and tomorrow are kind of lull periods for me before I kick in to write my last paper. Andy and I are heading out to Markham tomorrow afternoon for the Nielsen Christmas party, and then zooming back for my mother's art show. It's going to be busy. I'll keep you posted if anything interesting happens.

Time to go to the next meeting . . .

shoulder the burden

I wouldn't want to be Martin Havlat.

Today he will have to make one of the toughest decisions of his career.

Put yourself in that situation:

You dislocate your shoulder. Badly. There's some tearing in the ligament.

Choice one:

You have surgery. This puts your recovery at four to six months. That means that your shoo-in spot on the Olympic roster is gone, in a year when the Czech Republic is pegged to come silver or even gold. It also means that you *might* not even be recovered in time for the playoffs, in a year where Ottawa is the best team in the league. And if you ARE recovered in time, history has shown that your play probably won't be as good as it was before.

Choice two:

You don't have surgery. You let your shoulder heal on its own, and hopefully you can be ready to play again by a few weeks before the Olympic break. But how well will you play, when you're constantly conscious that even the tiniest nudge to that shoulder could put you on the injury list, may aggravate the serious condition, which would probably mean you'd be injured for the playoffs and miss them anyway, and eventually require you to have surgery in an attempt to save your career?

Good luck with that one. Glad it's not me.

blocked

Good on Bochenski for scoring a hat trick last night against the Panthers. It's a pity we probably won't be able to keep him (at least, not without seriously pissing off Varada) when Havlat comes back. But that won't be for at least a month, so we can worry about it later.

The more pressing concern right now is the fact that I have writer's block, and the paper I'm writing today is TECHNICALLY due today. I say technically, because Brian has said that we're grad students, which means we're obviously not lazy, so it's not that we're procrastinating, but that sometimes we just have other things to do other than write papers. Like working. And marking all his papers.

I researched this paper all weekend, and all my notes are in order, all in the sections in which I want to put them.

But no words are coming out, which upsets me. I only have part of today and all of tomorrow to write this paper and mark another twenty or so first year papers.

So I've secluded myself in the computer room, and I'm hoping that by staring at the computer for long enough, something will come to the fore.

Keep your fingers crossed.

mpcrap

So . . . my mp3 player exploded. AGAIN. After owning it for exactly five months. Luckily, this time I bought the three-year warranty, so when I brought it in to replace it (with another brand -- no way in hell I'm ever getting an MPIO again after having blown up TWO!), all I had to buy was a new warranty, this time for just two years.

So, I replaced this with this. It's pretty and better.

Other than that, not much is going on. Just trying to do most of my Christmas shopping online or whathaveyou, trying to organize things with Andrew for Christmas presents and picking him up from Michigan, and working on my papers and the like. C'est tout.

crunchy

Poor Heatley. He was almost a god among men.

I want that two hours and eighteen minutes of my life back.

UPDATE: 28 November 2005, 11:47 PM

Ugh. So . . . sick.

I have one of those colds where you wish you could pull your sinuses out of your nose and then step on them, because then you'd feel better. I staggered through this weekend, when Lisa and Nate were here, and then kind of died slowly yesterday. I took today off work for an extra day of rest, which I definitely need, and to catch up on all the work I didn't do this weekend.

Because it's CRUNCH TIME, folks. I have to write two twenty-page papers between now and Sunday night (they're due 6 December and 8 December, respectively), as well as working and going to school and doing a presentation tomorrow night. Then, I have to mark forty papers between Sunday and Thursday, 8 December, as well as working, and preparing for a meeting with a sociology professor about my tutorial next semester. Then I'm going to Markham on Friday, 9 December, for the Neilsen Christmas party. Then we're racing home in order to be here for the Art Show on Saturday, 10 December. Then I have to write another paper for 16 December, and proctor an exam on 15 December.

And do Christmas shopping.

And maybe sleep.

See you in three weeks.