::alio!::

I never ever get the flu shot because I always get sick from it. I've never believed in it and now I don't even more!

Well so far it's been really good to me. I used to get bronchitis every winter, which, with my asthma, made winter hell for me. Since I got the flu shot, I haven't had that problem at all. Even this year, when I got the flu.

And you can't really blame them for messing it up - it's hard to predict how exactly a viral strain will mutate over time . . .

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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Why don't you write books people can read?

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

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And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Why don't you write books people can read?

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Why don't you write books people can read?

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

ijtbqvhdephekqjecilg, http://www.nsbbbhpvzg.com vrraxbxdja

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Why don't you write books people can read?

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The truth is more important than the facts.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.