::alio!::

phew.

Just (and I mean JUST) finished reading the entirety of the Ender series by Orson Scott Card. All seven (eight?) of them. That was pretty intense. I really liked them, though. They were so different from what I normally read that it helped to get my mind off stuff.

I'm having a sort of crisis of belief these days.

I find myself wondering if I'm actually cut out to do what I want to with this world of mine.

I totally bombed this little assignment due to a certain amount of carelessness on my part (and a certain amount of cold medication, it's true), but it was more the discussion that arose out of that failure that got me to thinking. My teacher had the impression that this bombing of the assignment (where I was given 6 out of 10, and, for someone at my level of study, I should be getting 8.5 out of 10 or higher) was simply a continuation of the path I was following. From his impression I'd been getting 7s on previous assignments, when in reality, the lowest mark I'd previously received had been an 8, then an 8.5, and the rest, until now, have been all 9s. He even went so far as to say that in class I had made certain statements that were borderline value judgments and were also, he was clear to point out, wrong.

Several things irk me about this whole situation. The first is that, if he believes I'm the 7 kind of person, is he going to let that colour everything I do from now on? I also wonder if maybe I'm misreading the 9s on my papers and the comments for "good work," and "this is how you make the readings your own," and they're actually 7s and what an idiot I am for my misreading of the material. I wonder if perhaps he has mis-written my marks in his own records and some typographical error on his part will result in the slide of my grades into mediocrity. I wonder at the fact that, if I was so wrong in my statements in class, no body thought to point this out to me.

It's made me understandably shy now about writing this next little assignment. I've done all the readings and I went over them very carefully. These particular ones deal with an author, Bourdieu, with whom I have always had a particular difficulty, so now I have to work extra hard at this commentary to make sure that I can overcome my fears of failure, my own difficulties with the intricacies of Bourdieu's philosophy, and my teacher's misconception of my ability. It really sucks.

But then I also wonder if it's a misconception after all. Am I really good enough to go through with my future plans? Or am I simply an arrogant fool, and that's what people are picking up on?

My discussions with my supervisor have not been encouraging in that respect. He's not exactly the kind of person you really warm to, and he's not the person to fall over himself encouraging you to go on. He's very smart and very helpful, but I come out of meetings with him feeling like my whole life has been held up to scrutiny and found wanting. Or sometimes like I've been punched in the face in order to give me a better perspective. It works, but it's harsh, and isn't helpful to these new-found feelings of self-doubt.

I don't want to pretend here that I plan to save the world, but, if I succeed at what I'm doing, I can change things for the better and maybe save a kid's childhood here and there along the way. I believe it's a noble enough cause but I'm afraid that my belief in this has become overconfidence. It's going to be one of the hardest things I will ever do, and, as even my supervisor has said, one of the harder things an anthropologist, especially a fledgling such as my self, could do for a doctoral dissertation.

Am I setting myself up for a nasty fall? I know that I'm a stubborn girl when need be, but will it be enough to get me through the next four years?

I could really use a pat on the head right about now.

The nice thing about this little blog of mine is it gives me the impression of a public venue, so I can rant like this, air my grievances, and get the impression that my voice was heard, but no one really reads it anyway, so it can't do any harm in the long run.

Posted by Ally at November 2, 2008 04:30 PM