I found this ridiculous entry when cleaning out my papers this afternoon. It's from OAC. Ignore the errors in rhythm and punctuation, and try to piece together the story:
Alison Bell EWCOA2 Mr. Hodgson 17 October 2000 Hookers and Oysters Oftentimes, in tales of wonder, Bad fights Good and Good prevails. But I must tell you, now or never, That this is not that kind of tale. A little girl lived with her mother And her sister, in the wood. Mum was mean, and so was sister; They did not lead lives of good. The little girl (we’ll call her Sally) Did not approve of their lifestyle. She often wished (and we can’t blame her) That she had kin well worth her while. To tell the truth, they worked the streets; Many “boyfriends” did they please. And though the suitors begged her nicely Sally would have none of these. Every day her wanton mother Sent poor Sally to the store. Seven miles she had to wander (For this shop was not next door). One day sent to fetch some oysters For Sister’s current “rampant stag,” She rested by a quiet river. Thus she met the poor old hag. This old woman was exhausted. Fourteen days she’d travelled west. She did not wish to talk or eat there. All she yearnèd for was rest. But as she sank upon the clover, Across the bank, what did she see? Sally, sitting by the water, Underneath a big oak tree. “Dear child, pray tell me,” she did ask her (Knowing all the while the way) “Where the sun doth set in evening? That is where my goal doth lay.” “I think, Madame, it’s to the West Side. You see that city over there? I watch the sun set often from here ‘Tis yon the sun hangs in the air.” “Thank you, dear, for your direction. Now I know where I must go. Before I do, though, I must tell you Something that you have to know. “To a convention, my dear urchin, That is what I’m headed for: Where fairies come from, well, all over To protect Love against the Whore. “Yes, my dear, I am a fairy Sent from far off to the east To combat all those dirty trollops Until they are – ahem – deceased. “For, you see, those sluts are evil: Making Lust a form of Love They must be stopped or mark my words, Those cats will give Virtue the shove.” The girl kept quiet through this tirade, For she knew her mother’s craft. She wasn’t mean enough to risk it. That Sally girl, she wasn’t daft. “So anyway,” the hag continued, Knowing not of Sally’s folk, “For your kindness I will give you A gift that I will soon invoke. Saying this, the lady reached and Dipped her fingers in the stream. She flicked the water on to Sally, Saying, “This is not a dream.” “Every time you speak a word, dear, Jewels will issue from your lips. But when you’re rich, don’t eat too much or It will go straight to your hips.” Sally said, “I promise, Ma’am,” And RUBIES fell out of her maw! She jumped up joyously to thank her, But she was all alone, she saw. So she ran home to tell her mother All that happened there that day. Unmoved by gems her mother asked her, “And the oysters? What did I pay?” When she confessed she had no oysters, Mother Dear tore out her hair. “WHAT? No OYSTERS?” she screeched loudly “Is your big head just stuffed with air?” “Back you go,” she then commanded, Getting out her “riding” whip. “And I will make sure that you get there,” Tying a rope to her hip. So off they marched, all seven miles, Into the town so far away, Mama’s ridin’ whip a-crackin’, Keeping little Sal at bay. When they reached the town of oysters They went past the meeting hall, Inside which were all the fairies, Discussing answering “the call.” At this point, poor Sal did stumble. Down she fell upon the ground. But although she scraped her elbow, Our dear girl made not a sound. “Get up, you oafish, simple girl!” Mother cried, tugging the rope. “Get up, or I will cast you out!” At this, the girl gained her some hope. “No, you silly prostitute, You dirty excuse for a whore. I will not obey your wishes. I’ll be glad to see your door!” Inside the mentioned meeting hall, The fairies heard all that transpired They raced, en masse, into the street Their ire was sparked, their rage was fired. “Death to the hooker!” they screamed out, As they approached and mobbed the tart. In their grasps were clubs and switchblades For beating and tearing apart. Alas! It is a tragedy When horrid things like this occur. For not only did they kill the hooker, But Sal was gaffed by a sharp spur. Oh yes, it was an accident, Or so the fairies said that day. But honestly, how could you live with all Those stones falling all about that way? Yes, it was Providence that saved her By taking away her life. For with that gift of jewels for speaking, Her existence would be full of strife. For who can have a conversation With a girl who spews out gems? And in flu season, then, would you want Emeralds floating ‘round in phlegm? It was a gift to be exploited, Really milked for all it’s worth. It’s for the best Sal didn’t make it She’ll keep it with her in the earth.Posted by Ally at April 3, 2007 05:29 PM
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