It's not you, it's me
Man, being a depressive SUCKS.
Don't get me wrong, some days it's totally manageable. Most of the time, I
can deal with it. But sometimes I just ITCH for some Prozac.
I have some days, days where I can't sleep (well, okay, that's most days),
days where I feel crappy or tired for no reason, or when food doesn't taste as
good as it should or where I don't really feel like mustering the interest to
even just roll over in bed. But those are only some days.
The neat thing about being depressed is you get these nifty mood swings, so
for every four or five days where I feel like crap, I get one or two days
where I'm
deliriously happy and giddy for no reason whatsoever. And no amount
of antidepressants will make me give that up. It's almost worth it for those
hours of unbridled and random bliss.
But when I get stressed out (and I do this often), I get more easily and more
deeply depressed. The smallest things make me miserable for days or angry to
the point of rage. If my favourite shirt isn't folded right in my drawer, I
could (and sometimes do) burst into tears. Or someone cutting me off in
traffic will make me white hot mad for hours afterward, and (although I try
not to) I sometimes take it out on other people.
And it's totally ridiculous, because I KNOW that my reactions to things are
irrational (just because it's cloudy doesn't mean the world is out to get you
and your family is going to get struck by lightning and die in a
thunderstorm), but all I can do is give myself a stern shake and tell myself
not to be so silly. It only sometimes works. And then I get paranoid about
talking to myself . . . but that's another story.
Essentially, what I'm trying to say right now, with papers looming on me and a
whole lotta other shit going around, is that I'm fighting several demons right
now and if I HAPPEN to not appear to be the normal, happy-go-lucky person I
usually am (which is a total facade, anyway), or if (God forbid!) I should
freak out at you for some totally irrational or inane reason, try not to take
it personally. It's just me and I'm a little crazy at the moment.
Ta.
Posted by Ally at March 19, 2006 12:37 AM