retrospective reappearance
I had this wacky dream last night where I had to move back to the base in Victoria but
everything had changed, and Cait was living next door to me, but only for the next six
months, and I had to figure out how to move back to Ottawa so I could continue my MA.
Anyway . . .
So, last year, putty and magpie were being mean to me and I couldn't post my New Year's
post. I sent it by email instead. But I figure, before I write a new New Year's post, I
should prolly go over the old one a bit. Because I remember it was rather a shocker when
it came out. So here it is.
NEW YEAR'S RETROSPECTIVE, 2004:
It has been a rough year, and I am more than happy that it's over, although I can't say
that it will be an easy one to forget.
It seemed like every month contained some new crisis. In January, my mother got really
sick, and we discovered some whole new symptoms of multiple sclerosis that are as
mysterious as they are frightening. February heralded the beginning of the Caitlin-Petri
fiasco, which has only recently quieted down. March and April were simply a blur, as I
went from airport to airport and essay to essay, exam to exam. Things at work were
becoming more stressful, and Jen and I were close to breaking point. In May, I went
slightly mad and threw out fully half of my possessions, with dire consequences. June
involved the highly stressful office move, which made me want to quit my job more than
ever. At the end of the month, I received news that a high school friend, Genny MacKinnon,
had committed suicide due to depression. My boss' callous reaction to my shock caused in
my such unspeakable rage that I prepared then to quit my job, regardless of the
consequences. Uncertainties about the future and the general state of paranoia that I seem
to carry with me everywhere, coupled with my chronic insomnia, led to panic attacks, and
Genny's death was merely the catalyst for the clinical depression with which I was
diagnosed in July. Mindful of what had happened to Genny, I refused pharmaceutical aid,
preferring instead to fight my way out of it on my own. So that's what I did. I thought I
had really made progress when September rolled around and I was enrolled in hockey school,
but the sudden death of my friend and mentor, Charles Gordon, in October, took the wind out
of my sails. That, combined with further pressing anxiety over my immediate future,
threatened to drive me back into the darkness from which I had so recently returned.
So it has not been an easy year. I apologize, friends, for not telling you some of these
things earlier. At the time, they seemed pitifully insignificant in comparison to the
chaotic world in which we live today. It wasn't really something I was able to articulate
at the time, anyway, and, besides, we all had more important things to worry about.
These past few months, however, have been good. Really good. If anything, my life is more
complicated than it ever was before. My immediate future is so vague as to be entirely
opaque to me. Those of you who have lived with me through the triumphs and disappointments
of my academic ideations will understand that.
But I feel
grounded now. Connected and interconnected. I've made some fabulous new
friends this school year, and have been able to appreciate the changes that have occurred
in existing relationships. And amazing things have happened to me -- one thing in
particular -- which have made me into a more relaxed, confident, and generally happier
person.
So thank you for being there this year. Even if you didn't know it, you still made a
difference.
My New Year's Resolution list has barely changed over the years. It usually has something
about exercise, another thing about doing homework on time, and another about writing. The
exercise thing I have conquered. In the midst of me losing my mind, I lost about fifteen
pounds as well, and went down two dress sizes. The homework bit I can worry about later.
My current methods, however unorthodox, haven't yet failed me. The writing resolution is a
tough one, however. I never really take the time to just
write anymore. I have a
book filled with short stories, mainly just key ideas, but some are fully fleshed out plots
to children's books and adult novels. Back in the day when I was less busy, I actually
wrote one of these kid's books, and penned one of these novellas. Both need substantial
tweaking before they are ready for publication, but I'm still toying with the ideas. I
just don't have the
time to do any of it! This hardship would be easier to bear if
writing wasn't such a compulsion for me (hence this massive essay, my webpage, and my
multitudinous diaries). But the stories are there, waiting for me, when I get the time to
sit down with them.
So I propose to make a change to my Resolution list this year. It will be a list of one,
and it will say: "APPRECIATE." Appreciate everything I have been given in my life, and
appreciate every quality thereof. I vow to take the time to do just that. Like right now.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Stay tuned tomorrow for New Year's Retrospective, 2005.
Posted by Ally at December 31, 2005 11:43 AM