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Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

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Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

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'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

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We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

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The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

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Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

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Aloha! sol

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

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Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

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Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

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A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

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If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

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I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

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Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

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The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

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