What rhymes with Tucker?
the skinny:
The Sens are playing Toronto in the first round. Cue Chopin's Funeral March, or Williams' Imperial March, depending on how you feel about this. "This is everything Ontario wanted," said the Senators' Bryan Smolinski. "It's going to be a war."
But even Ottawa fans have given up on their team. On the official website, there's a poll in the left hand bar. Usually, when other teams are involved in the survey, the results come out resoundingly for Ottawa. Today the question is, "What wil be the outcome of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals matchup between the Ottawa Senators and the Toronto Maple Leafs?" The nearly unanimous answer? Leafs in 4. Hahah, I guess you can't mess with statistics. But I choose to ignore reality today.
Read this
cute story about Alfie.
So now for some trash-talking:
First of all, who the fuck is this Earl F. dude, and how was he intelligent enough to find my page? Also, if he's sooooo much cooler than we are, why the hell does he keep coming back, even when he knows he's not welcome? Interesting question to ponder.
Now let's talk about his team:
Your captain is old and FUGLY (that means FUCKIN' UGLY). So is the rest of your team. Looking at the list of birthdates in this bloody blue roster, I don't see many who were born before 1975. Then you have three young guys: Stajan, Antropov, and Ponikarovsky. They must be old at heart to be able to handle living with these wrinklies day in and day out. These young fellas are the only ones with any energy these days, but they have no real experience. I'll talk about that later. And the players are so brittle, too! So much so that there's a page on the website devoted to the large quantity of them that are suffering in their geriatric years. You remember Nolan? That dude you got with the hopes that he would lead you to greatness? How great was it that he tried to take out Smolinski in a clean hit along the boards? How great was it that he had to be fully carried back to the locker room? And those tendons don't repair themselves as well when you're old. He's supposed to be reevaluated 19 April. My guess is that they'll tell him to RETIRE.
Pat Quinn has a euphemism for old age: he calls it "experience." Yeah, he's got Nolan, he's got Ronnie Franchise, he's got Leetch and Johanssen . . . but these are just names. Few of us remember the days when these old dudes were actually GOOD. You want energy in the locker room? Sure, get a couple vets to take care of the young guys. You don't need an entire team's worth. They prolly just sit around swapping tales that begin with, "in MY day . . ." and get Stajan to help them to the bathroom so they can pee. So much for that.
Any phrenologists in the house? Ever noticed how close together Belfour's eyes are? That would peg him as a criminal or a lowlife in any turn-of-the-century medical book. I guess that's why he fits in so well with the boors in blue: ancient, antiquated, and immoral. He's the only good thing the Leafs have, really. He's the last line of defense, and the only line of defense. Why? No defense. Just hope in your little black heart that he doesn't hurt his back, otherwise you have the Seive in net, and that can't be a good thing. Man, he's so bad, you could play with an empty net and score less goals.
Now, we here in hockey country have solid reasons to hate the Leafs:
1) Eliminated three times from the playoffs by your reprobates;
2) Drowned out by your noisy and nonsensical fans polluting the stands in OUR building;
3) Beat up, messed up, humiliated by your dirty, dirty play. Example. Last year, final game of the season. Domi gets Chara in a cheap hit along the boards. Why do I know it was cheap hit? It would have to be to enable a dwarf like Tie to knock down the Big Z. As a result, Chara missed the first few games of the playoffs with chest contusions.
So, yeah, we're a little bitter.
You, on the other hand, have no reason to be the whiny motherfuckers that you are.
Alfredsson's hit on Tucker? It was clean. This was before the refs went downhill, and there was one standing right there. Besides, it's not like he killed Tucker-the-little-fucker. The jerk is still playing. And that was nearly three years ago. Get over yourselves. He's no Gretzky. Nobody gives a fuck if he lives or dies. He's a complete twit, starting that bench brawl because he said Neil spit on him. I would have spat on him, too. GROW UP.
Alfredsson's stick joke? It was a JOKE. Have you no sense of humour? No, I suppose not. Your primitive intellects can't support something that doesn't include the monosyllables "go Leafs go." Everything else is just mindless grunting to you. Shit, even your stupid Sundin thought the whole thing was funny. Get over yourselves.
Hossa's "swing" on Berard? It. Was. An.
ACCIDENT. Hossa, being possessed of a conscience (unlike, say, DOMI), felt really really bad about that, and it showed in his play. Even Berard knew it was an accident. No hard feelings, he says. Get. Over. It.
You hold grudges for stupid reasons. Why? You listen, like slavering and stupid dogs, to every soundbyte your evil excuse for a coach spews out of his ever-chewing mouth. I think he works on the gum so much and does so much talking so that his robot jaw doesn't rust and lock shut. That's right -- a robot. Who else would parrot the same tired phrases day after day?
Well, one other person would. That would be DOMI. Minime to Pat Quinn's Dr. Evil, except there's no chance this little fella would EVER be brought over to the good side. Does he ever open his mouth to do anything but complain? No. Not really. This homophobic midget has more hate molecules in him than brain cells. And boy, does it ever show.
That's all I'm going to say about that for now. We've got a few weeks yet to let this simmer. I'm not saying you're going to win. I'm not saying you're going to lose. I'm just saying that you'll never make a fan out of me. I have better things to do.
Leafs suck.
Posted by Ally at April 5, 2004 12:00 AM